Making a big life change can be really scary. But what I find even scarier is regret. Friday is my last day of work at the place I have spent 40-70 hours a week at for the past 8 years. I have went through so many different emotions that past few weeks (actually in the past 1.5 years) and Dom, Marjan, and many of my other friends and family have been so supportive as I “express” all these emotions. I often get frustrated when people constantly complain but don’t take any action. Well, it was time to take my own advice! I have to give my friend Daniela credit for making us write down our 2016 “goals” at our annual Girls Christmas Party and then making us share them. Once it’s in writing, I hold myself much more accountable. There were two goals on that list that I will share with you.
- Train and finish Ironman Florida
- Take charge of my career and create more work/life balance (aka more time to train)
I can’t even tell you the weight that was lifted off my chest when I gave my notice. I am so thankful for 8 years I had with my company and for all the opportunities I had, but something was missing. My heart wasn’t there and my mind was starting to follow my heart. Over the past 6 months or so a lot of different opportunities have presented themselves but because I lacked focus and direction, I was also being indecisive about what opportunity to take! It was a vicious circle and I am SURE people were sick of hearing about it. The moment I made the decision to give my notice the flood gates opened. I felt sad, I felt guilt, I felt relief, I felt nostalgic, and I felt confused. I had no idea what I was actually going to do in terms of work, but I know I couldn’t keep coming to work every day and trying to lead a team when my heart wasn’t there. I made the decision on a Friday. Once I told Dom, Marjan, and a few others, I knew it was real. I cried that day and I allowed myself to feel all the emotions that come with change. But I never once wavered on my decision over the weekend. Come Monday I gave my notice and I haven’t looked back.
Today I was thinking about all the fears and questions I asked myself when deciding to leave my job and they are so similar to what we face as athletes. Many of the everyday challenges we face at work are similar! Deciding to run your first 5K, 10K, ½ marathon or full is HUGE! Signing up for your first triathlon is SCARY! Adding more and more distance to your training can create anxiety. But if you don’t try, you are always going to wonder “what if”. So yes, leaving my job and security blanket is a crazy feeling, but I don’t ever want to look back and wonder what would have happened if I didn’t try. I can’t even imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t branch out and go to a running group the first week I moved to Cali (which is where I made my very first friend here … Dom). I can’t imagine what it would be like if I didn’t take the opportunity to move out here in the first place. Signing up for my first triathlon (and coercing Marjan to do it with me) was intimidating but after the first one we were hooked!
Even this past weekend at Desert Triathlon in Palm Springs I did something I haven’t done before…the aqua bike. When there are multiple distances in a race, I have tend to do the longest one or the most challenging one. Dom and Marjan are the same way. We just like the challenge. So when I finished the aqua bike and everyone else still had 6.2 miles to run while being pelted by sand and stone and wind, I felt a little lost. I felt defeated and my mind immediately went to negative town. My knee was really hurting since I haven’t kicked that much on a swim since November and it was only about my 4th time on the bike since surgery. All I could think about is that I will never run again. I also felt like what I did wasn’t equivalent to what Marjan and Dom just finished so I just wanted to sweep my race under the rug and celebrate their race. A few days later I realize it’s ridiculous. I CAN’T run. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I can’t. I should be happy I was able to do the aquabike and spend an awesome weekend with my friends!
I think it comes down to getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. The more we step out of our comfort zone, the more we learn, the more we become capable of, and the more fun memories we make. Hopefully that proves true in my decision to leave my current job haha!
And now some fun pics from this weekend. Newport Coast Tri Team killed it this weekend! I am so proud to be part of this team! Race Report coming soon!